I'm here.
12 June 95
The man next to me is writing a letter for his wife while we are flying right now and I don't know how he can do that.
10 June 95
Ma is packing
my little bag
for me, right
now. I said
I can do it,
but she keeps
saying Ako na,
ako na. She
doesn't want me
to stay in
the room with
her.
8 June 95
I just woke up from a nightmare that I went to the states and I was a grown woman, and I was walking in a crowded street. I saw Bel and Darling and RJ walking in front of me. They were all grown too. But when I ran to them and tried to embrace them they didn't know who I was. I kept yelling at them, I'm your sister, and they kept yelling for help. They thought I was trying to steal from them and they were trying to run away.
7 June 95
Paolo finally said he was sorry, to my face.
He said it in his letters but I didn't really
believe him until today. I could see his face
and I knew he meant it.
3 June 95
Mama is acting like I'm not leaving. I am too.
I don't think she told Darling and RJ yet.
I don't know what to do about Bel. At night, I pretend that
I'm sleeping even though the bed shakes and I can hear her
sobbing. She tries to be quiet, but I know she pretends
not to care that I'm really awake.
1 June 95
27 May 95
Everything Ma and I have been talking about is really going to happen.
26 May 95
Mama got home late today.
She had new shoes for everyone.
She gave me new Adidas sneakers. Real Adidas in a box. I thought I was getting a heart attack.
She gave shiny black Mary-Janes for Bel for when school starts, those jelly slippers with glitter for Darling and rubber sandals with dinosaurs for RJ.
And then after everyone went to sleep, Ma called me out of the room and gave me my plane ticket for San Francisco.
My flight is on June 12.
17 May 95
I saw Paolo today and we talked for a long time.
15 May 95
I can't sleep
at a good time
anymore. Not
since last month.
3 May 95
Paolo is writing letters
for me all the time. He
tried to catch me when I
was walking to the sari-sari
or brining RJ to the park.
Since 2 days ago I make
Bel run to the store for me
and she delivers his letters
every time she comes back.
17 April 95
Today is RJ's 3rd birthday. Bel and Darling helped me bake a cake for him.
It was a good job even though we used 1 egg instead of 2. He was
really happy.
But I was so annoyed at the park today because Paolo gave me a letter
that said he didn't want me to move to the states. I don't know how he
found out, but I think Bel told his little sister about it. I'm still so angry. He
thinks he could fuck around with Clara Kang, who everyone knows she can't do
any of these 3 things: run fast, keep a secret and close her fat stubby legs.
So Paolo thinks because I didn't talk to him since last year that it's now
ok for him to spray an envelope with his fake cologne and put it in
my hands in front of everybody, like nothing happened.
I wanted to kill him.
13 April 95
Bel was crying a lot earlier tonight because she wants me to wait for her to go to the states together.
4 April 95
Mama says she's 3 more paychecks
away from my plane ticket. I stopped
breathing when she said that. I didn't
move. My hands froze in the foam
water. I was holding Bel's uniform and
the soap felt like a rock inside my fist while
I waited for Ma to say something else.
She just starts talking about Kuy's
letter again, like I wasn't here during
this whole time and I didn't know about
the letter and what he says about me
living with them. I start washing again
when she said I have to always help them
around their house especially Ate Rose with
the children. She talked about this again. They
need help with their big house. I want to tell her
Ma, you don't really know how big their house is.
I can admit I don't know what it looks like. Instead
I said of course I'll help them. So she would stop
talking about it. I felt bad later. She always says I'm
lucky I'm the oldest and I can do this. I don't want her
to know. I didn't even tell Bel what goes through
my head in this past 2 months because I know how
much she wishes she can come with me. I can't tell them
I can't even think of how it is over there.
Friday's writing: exudes danger, punches, razors, fires, slam-dunk falls, utter joy to the sky, fetal posture, silent rants, bereft tears. This evokes abrupt physicality, expansive use of space, and coiled up beetle-hard bodyballs. It needs a beginning; it calls for closure but not an ending. It is already a Middle. Discuss with Lorna who could interpret my notes more actively.
ReplyDeleteBlog entry: It stops when the new journey should begin. What's the followup?
June 8: "trying to run away" - the adult, did she experience this later, is this a premonition, a fear, a hope?
May 26: the gifts, the ticket - very touching: "my children, here are things you need, shoes to show I see you, to prove I love you as well, and to say, I know you, what you must have to make it" - does she know 'Josefina' HAS made it?
May 3: Bel sobbing- so it's known that you know that she knows
April 17: RJ's birthday - he's 17 now; write his POV
April 4: the most descriptive, the moment the big sign is hoisted: Change. How has 'Josefina' changed since then? What diary entries now could compare/connect back to this moment?