Why?

This is a story that I need to tell.

This is a story I’ve kept inside for so long.

This is a story that I need to accept.

This is the hardest story I’m ever going to tell.

We wake up early on a sunny, Sunday to go to mass. After mass we decide to go back home to eat a quick breakfast. Before we even get a chance to heat our food, the phone rings. We quickly leave the house and head to the hospital. My mom, dad, brother, cousin, and I arrive first. We pick up the phone… the nurse tells us to wait in the waiting room because the doctors were working on a few procedures. I see my aunt and baby cousin in front of the waiting room door. We run out and tell her what the nurse said. She says my grandpa and aunt are already inside. I see them crying and my heart begins to sink. I can no longer feel my body. The doctor comes out and I just want to cut off my ears. He tells us… she is not going to make it. She is weak. She is struggling. They tried everything, but nothing was working.

I look through the window of the door and blue lights were flashing above her room door. Code Blue. We run inside and surround her. There she was… lying helplessly. I wanted to pull the tubes off her mouth and hear her talk. I don’t know if she heard our cries, screams, and I love you's. I didn’t want her to go. I couldn’t believe she was leaving us. It couldn’t be true. I can still hear her last breaths. I can still feel the touch of her skin. I wanted to feel her hug back. I kept putting my hand through her hair, waiting for her to complain like usual… but nothing. I didn’t hear her grunts. All I heard were cries and screams. I can still see the numbers on the machine getting lower and lower. We were telling her to fight. We were wishing for a miracle. We didn’t want her life to end. We weren’t ready. No, we weren’t ready. I remember the sound of the machine when her pulse hit zero. That was the worst noise I have ever heard. I never want to hear that again.

My heart disappears. It is gone. I can’t feel it anymore. My whole world just ended. Time stopped. All I wanted was a miracle. But nothing… she was really gone. It was so unexpected. That was… no is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I still deal with it everyday. I still can’t accept it. I know she is in a better place, but why now? I’ve been angry with God for so long. I stop going to church. I stop praying. I know I need to accept it. I slowly am, or am I really? I know she is still here. I can feel her presence, but it is only in my heart and mind. I can’t see her face. I can’t hear her laugh. I can’t feel her hug. I miss my grandma.

March 29, 2009. So much was happening this day. I was suppose to go to Los Angeles with Babae for the Bayan/Gabriela Conference, but stayed to see my favorite band in concert. I was supposed to leave Saturday night so I can wait in line for the concert early Sunday morning, but I didn’t. I think about it now and it would have been worst if I did go to LA and leave Saturday night. Everything happens for a reason, but I’m still trying to figure out… why? Why did she have to go so early? Why God?


My brother and I... our last photo with her.